Monday, July 18, 2011

Loss

When I looked at LO for the first time, I saw perfection.  I imagine others feel similar or they see something equally as awe inspiring.  I literally couldn't take my eyes off of her or put her down.  I had never known felt such an absolute visceral pull to anyone or anything.  I had to have her close.  I still feel the same way as part of me is missing when she is not with me.  I prefer to hold her or sit next to her but she prefers to be free of me and explore the world. She rightfully sees me as a base for her exploration and growth while I secretly long to keep her as a small infant and shield her from the world. 

When I started the course of motherhood, I was scared, nervous and looking to other mothers for reassurance.  I joined a mommy and me group that was like group therapy for me.  Once a week where 12 ladies got together and talked about the absolute love of their children, exhaustion from lack of sleep and all the new emotions that come from suddenly becoming a parent.  We heard each other's birth stories, frustrations and shared a weekly reprise from holding it all together.  We became fast friends and cared about what happened in each others lives. 

A group of us stayed in mommy and me and a group went on to other groups.  One mom emerged as the leader of organizing get togethers and the Facebook page and general enthusiasm.  She was the one who helped me brainstorm for job ideas when I was regretting going back to a job with a long commute.  Her husband is the one who gave me a chance at consulting when I was between jobs.  Both always going above and beyond because they are truly good people.  So why in the world would their precious daughter, that they loved so much, be afflicted with stage 4 cancer at 11 months and claim her life this weekend.  How can that be explained? I can't get past it and it is not my sorrow to feel.  I see no silver lining as it is truly a horrible tragedy.  I look back at the following video and see beautiful babies with lovely mothers about to embark on life.  How can one be snatched so quickly?