Monday, June 20, 2011

The Fall

This weekend found me unsettled and unsatisfied with everything.  I wanted to go out Friday night but arrived home to a cranky and tired baby.  I wanted to talk about finances and DH wasn't in the mood.  I was feeling disconnected from LO as I had missed her all week and she just wanted to go to bed.  Saturday started a new day and I wanted to DO something beyond the regular grocery store, park, walk to Whole Foods with aforementioned shopping carts.  I had wanted to visit Greystone Mansion but they were having a large event.  We decided to head over to Helms Bakery as they have a large paved area perfect for shopping carts and a French cafe with my favorite chocolate chip cookies. 

I finally relaxed during the meal and we were off to do some serious shopping cart pushing.  The first spot was not conducive to pushing as it was cobblestone so DH picked up the cart and I picked up LO who was squirming and walked to the smooth concrete.  As we were walking, I tripped over a metal planter sticking up from the cement.  I attempted to catch myself but couldn't put my hands out as I was holding LO so my only option was my feet.  It didn't work and we went down silently as I was so shocked that my worst nightmare was happening.  Before I gave birth I was so concerned that someone would slide on the wood stairs in my house.  I didn't wear socks or slippers in winter when I was holding her and I asked that the nanny carry her separate from other items to prevent any accidents. 

The next few minutes were blurry as my right side hit the pavement while I attempted to shield LO.  A nice lady who happened to be a nurse rushed over as she had seen it happen.  My whole body was in shock and I couldn't speak.  DH yanked LO out of my arms the instant it happened so I felt complete and utter panic that I had hurt my baby as I could hear her screaming but couldn't see her.  A crowd of people started asking me questions and I finally was able to talk and I became hysterical that they needed to check out my baby.  Finally, after a thousand times of multiple people telling me that she didn't have a scratch on her, I was able to sit up and assess the situation.  I felt no broken bones just a lot of pain all over and shock.  The nurse told me that she watched me curl around her and fall without her touching the pavement.

We went home to get some ice and pain relievers and I felt quietly shaken.  How could it have happened? I am so careful and I felt so horrible.  DH attempted a joke by saying that I was clumsy and people that drop babies don't deserve cookies which makes me tear up as I write it.  I know that it was supposed to be a joke but I burst into tears.  He had spoken the words that I felt that I wasn't good enough or careful enough or worthy to have such an amazing daughter.  Now that I am fully ensconced in my new job, I miss my long days with LO and the hugs and laughter at my dancing and singing.  I feel guilty when I am proud of a work goal as it is time away from my precious baby.  Falling made all of my insecurities come to the surface as I attempt to parent and nurture in my own unskilled and often random ways. 

Blarggghh.