Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Cookie Monster

I loosely associated food with mood before LO.  I would give myself a pass to "cheat" if I was upset about something.  When I was pregnant and had gestational diabetes, I learned a lot about how food affects the body and weight, the true value of proteins versus carbs and sugar.  I also learned about what carbs do to blood sugar and that eating a piece of cheese instead of bread will sustain you much better, yada yada yada. 

Yesterday, I took LO to the eye institute to get a final sign off as she finally outgrew the crossing and I hadn't noticed the strabismus in the last few months.  They refused to sign off and noticed the misalignment of her face.  I had been rearranging her eyebrows so that one eye didn't look higher than the other one but had noticed it too. 

It is slight but she still has a lot of growing to do so it can correct itself or get worse.  I tried to joke that her modeling career was over before it started but the doctors had no sense of humor about it.  The exercises for the torticollis are getting so hard as she is so strong.  Poppins is a lot stronger than me and she is even having issues.  I have been struggling for awhile but didn't want to say anything as I felt so ashamed that I couldn't handle it.  I have agreed to more aggressive taping and have decided to see another specialist for a second opinion.  The no insurance physical therapy is getting very expensive as I didn't count on her regressing so many times so I am going to get a second opinion with someone that is covered. 

I dropped LO off at home and then went to work where I didn't think much about it until the end of the day.  I tend to deal with things later in private.  I bought a ton of food on the way home and made enchiladas and cookies last night where I devoured the cookie dough and cookies.  I have noticed a definite trend of eating until I feel sick with stress and I don't like that about myself.  When I am in the lose weight zone, I can avoid eating almost any tempting thing but if I fall off that wagon, it is a free for all.  I seem to lose control and the only thing that keeps me in line is the scale.   

I know the issue but wonder why it manifests itself in the form of sugar/food?  Is it the fear of having diabetes later on or is it something that I can control when I feel so upset about LO?  What am I going to do when she is a teenager?  How do you avoid passing on your eating craziness to your kids?  It is bad enough that she only wanted to buy alcohol for holiday gifts.