Wednesday, August 11, 2010

WANTED

Pleasant-ish CA family seeks new maternal figure for frantic home.  Must love cats with digestive issues, babies that don't sleep and husbands that work a lot. The job requires the person to work full time with a long-ish commute, be vigilant about baby issues/health, have new ideas on how to get the baby to sleep all while maintaining a cheery and patient attitude.  In work environment, applicant must be intelligent and able to do multiple jobs with a smile. In relationship, applicant must sound interested, shower, pay all the bills, appear charming in social situations and wear stylish clothes.

The job comes with a sedan with annoying baby accoutrements, a stylish stroller/diaper bag combo and an adorable bald-ish baby with cute clothes who says, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii," at all hours of the night. The last employee was seen in standard issue black yoga pants and Asics smashing the bathroom scale, baby monitor and iPhone against the wall, then grabbing a bikini and heading for the airport.  We remain hopeful that she will return but realistic.