Friday, August 20, 2010

Suck it!

My favorite comedian/reality star is Kathy Griffin. She doesn't care what people think and makes her fortune from pissing people off.  Wow, doesn't that sound awesome? I have received three lectures this week from various people on where I am falling short with my child, my family and my workout routine.  Really??  In my mind, I scream, "No s**t Sherlock, do you think I don't know that I am failing??" Unfortunately in the depths of my soul I battle being a people pleaser.  I try to hide it but it makes me sad when I don't do a good job or please everyone.  This character trait sets me up for failure ALL the time as everyone knows that most people can't be pleased.

I was undergoing a painful elective beauty treatment yesterday and they gave me a little too much numbing cream and I got to thinking.  Side note, topical numbing is like being drunk for only the sad, depressing part that hits around 2 am, gives you a headache and makes you hungry.  My first thought was why the heck am I doing a painful beauty treatment in the three hours I have to myself in the week?  Then I reminded myself that I paid for a three pack and I absolutely can't waste money. 

I ran away from my hometown at 18 as I could barely take the pressure one more day of so many expectations.  When I say ran, I mean I went to college and never looked back. I didn't grab my guitar and hop on a bus in a jean dress and cowboy boots headed for Hollywood.  I love my family but I couldn't take it anymore.  I still fight feeling suffocated and the pressure.  I feel like I always fall short on pleasing all of them.  It was not one particular person, well some more than others.  And no this is not one of those crazy my mom pressured me to be skinny things.  She actually tries the hardest to respect my feelings. 

I find myself gravitating towards people that don't expect a ton from me.  I'm there for you in a crisis but I am not the person who will call you back immediately.  I just listened to my phone messages from July! I had some time yesterday and decided to listen to them.  It is not that I don't care or that I am not thinking of you.  I work hard all day, get my baby ready for bed and then mumble incoherently with DH for an hour and fall into bed. We all have heard what happens in the night at our house.  The weekends are filled with baby stuff and getting ready for the next week and maybe catching a nap.

So what is my point?? I am going to shout it from the rooftops right now, "I'm sorry." I'm sorry that I suck, I'm sorry that I don't call back within a reasonable amount of time, I'm sorry that your birthday card didn't get sent, I'm sorry that I can't get a workout in every day by lifting the baby for my arm curls, I'm sorry that I am not as aggressive with her exercises in the short 30 minutes before bath, bottle and bed, I'm sorry for past transgressions, present offenses and all my shortcomings in the future.  But if you aren't careful, next time I may tell you to "Suck it!"