Thursday, August 12, 2010

Clueless

I feel that I am above average in intelligence meaning I can dress and feed myself with some degree of success.  I have access to above average information and health care.  Although wacky, my family is loving and supportive.  My husband treats me with respect and love.  I feel pretty lucky. With all of this going for me, you would think that I would have a little more of a clue when it comes to parenting.  Some days I feel like the best I can do is pull a random idea out and see if it works.  How is that "mindful mothering" or parenting with a plan???  I had big plans and ideas before I became a parent, "Eh, let's give it a try," was not part of the plan!

Last night, I went home to see the LO and was hesitant as I was feeling really lost with this no sleep thing.  The night before I had let her cry/scream for 10 minutes and I didn't like it but she had exhausted herself and gone to sleep.  It had not worked for the night as she was up multiple times anyway.  So last night, I decided to try it again as the pediatrician had recommended it.  LO had always had herself a good cry after the bath almost a breakdown of her frustrations for the day so I believed a little bit in needing to let go and relax.

The difference in last night was that DH was there.  It somehow made it worse that there was a witness to my "cruelty." Even thought the monitor was on silent we could hear her screaming and I started crying along with her.  I went upstairs after 10 minutes as I couldn't make it to 15 minutes which is what the pediatrician recommended and I calmed her down and she went right to sleep.  She was sweating and having trouble breathing and I felt terrible.  I was miserable the rest of the night and I am tearing up as I write this post.  She slept until 4 am when she got tangled up in the crib and I held her for a few minutes and then she went back to sleep. 

I am not comfortable with crying it out as I wanted to wait until six months to try any sleep training or five months if we were desperate.  I kind of fell into it from pure frustration and exhaustion.  I regret it but know I will have to continue to stay consistent and not send confusing messages.  On the other hand if I had not slept last night would I be thinking about going to 15 minutes?

I also feel that it was my responsibility to come up with a plan for our family.  Was I acting like I was not open to ideas from DH or did he assume that I would take care of it? I wonder if we put more responsibility on ourselves as women and should let the men step up?  That leads to the second part of my post and if you are still reading god love ya.

Squishy's mom has a work trip in February for nine days and she feels that she has to take Squishy with her as her DH won't be able to handle it.  I left her a message advising her to leave Squishy as she will be so busy and that her DH can handle it, blah, blah, blah.  I think I annoyed her and she challenged me by saying that I wouldn't leave LO with DH.  So I thought about it and I decided to tell DH that I had a work trip in February for a week which is actually very possible as I usually do travel at that time of year and it is usually for a week.  He agreed that I couldn't take the LO with me but he would need extra help and someone would have to step up or be hired.  While I was happy that he had agreed that LO would need to stay with him, I found it slightly humorous that a person would need to be hired to help him.  We all left the hospital with the same limited knowledge of parenting and caring for babies, where and when did the great divide happen? Is maternity leave to blame? Do we bring it on ourselves by not pushing more? Or do we believe that our children are not safe with our spouses? How do we stop the divide before it comes between us?